Blue To Gold: Our New Beginning

2012 was a bittersweet year for us. While I was ready for a new start (a good change from what we had been through this year) I was also incredibly thankful for what 2012 taught me...and us. When times get tough life gets real. You learn what is really important; you gain knowledge only achievable by living.

I spent a large majority of the month of December secretly blue, using holiday decorating to keep my mind at bay. The tough tide of the year seemed to come to a culmination. As if going through it wasn't enough, it all had to come and crash in on me just in time for "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

Like I said, though, holiday preparations were my best friend. It allowed me to keep myself busy, accomplishing everything before the "big day" arrived, while enabling my brain to do what it does best: multitask. As I worked my way through my to-do-list I found myself analyzing what I had discovered throughout the year. I was adamant about leaving 2012 in 2012 and carrying along only the things that were healthy and beneficial....the life lessons. Trying to maintain my sense of humor I contemplated my recent past in the hopes of making it a little easier to approach. I knew it was best to be honest with myself. I've come to the conclusion that in life, if I can’t be honest with myself, the chances of anyone else approaching me with honesty are slim. I’m a fan of the truth.

While bringing together my big plans for Christmas I was hopeful my excitement was masking my inner melancholy. It was Burke's second Christmas but her first as a walking, babbling toddler. 2012 was the year she took her inaugural walk down the hallway to see what Santa had left below the tree. I couldn't wait to record all of her sweet expressions as she unwrapped her goodies, one little right-handed-rip at a time. She could enjoy the magic that is Christmas morning, with the low lights and the feeling of love and comfort that accompany it. While I was unable to buy out the toy department for her I felt confident that, in her young age, she would be happy with whatever she discovered that morning. For that, I was thankful.

In addition, we were hosting Christmas dinner for both of our families. I have always looked forward to the year I could start this tradition. With Seth's mom helping out with the major task of cooking, half of that responsibility fell from my back. I'd started preparing the menu as soon as Thanksgiving was over and called my mom and sister to request some of their specialties. I was overly excited about using some of my grandmother’s dishes I'd inherited. Being a girl without a dishwasher, the thought of using paper plates when feeding 16 people was tempting. However, I think a part of me needed to use those dishes. Maybe it was my way of knowing that my grandmother was with me on Christmas...a day when I needed her strength the most. I took the time to go through the Currier and Ives set and discovered I could feed many, many more than 16 with this collection. I packaged it all up, reorganizing it as I went, and stored it so I had what I needed ready and handy.

Being on a tight budget, we couldn't afford to buy everyone the gifts we wished we could. My priorities stood with the kids: Burke and my nieces and nephew. While I secretly purchased Seth something small and snagged a couple stocking-stuffers from the dollar bins at Target, I was adamant that he get me nothing. I'd already received the best gift I could ever ask for - the ability to stay home with my daughter -something I never dreamed I'd be able to do. I am endlessly grateful for every little moment I had with her over the course of 2012. I appreciate all the "firsts" I was able to experience because I did not have to juggle a career with the most precious time of my child's life. Nothing I could open on Christmas morning would come close to matching the gift of being a stay-at-home mom. It was these appreciative thoughts that carried me through the difficult final month of 2012 and saw me to an end of my blues.

On Christmas Eve we had a nice dinner with Seth's family and after everyone left it was "go time"! I'd been anticipating this moment since the previous Christmas and let me tell you: It. Was. Awesome. We tidied up the house and perfectly placed the gifts just as the very thoughtful Saint Nick himself would have. We set-up her brand new play kitchen so it would be dimly lit by the glow of the Christmas tree as she tiptoed down the hallway the next morning. I was more eager than when I was on the receiving end of Christmas as a child! Lastly we stuffed the stockings with little goodies and made sure everything was in its place. We were ready...and exhausted.

Christmas Morning! Seth woke up at 5:00 a.m. and instructed me to stay in bed. This was not the first time I'd seen 5:00 a.m. on Christmas morning but for some reason I was just as excited as I was 20 years ago. I lay in bed for an hour before I decided to hop in the shower. Knowing I had a busy day ahead of me, I thought it a good idea to get a head-start. Just like any other day (with my phone and my cup of water in hand) I walked down the hall and into the kitchen, stopping for a little smile as I admired the display waiting on Burke. The lights in the house were still off and the Christmas tree was glowing ever so softly, just as it should before sunrise on Christmas morning. However, as I entered the kitchen I noticed an unfamiliar glow coming from the living room. Before I could ponder the source the smell hit my nose; He had woken up early and started a fire in our fireplace, the first fire we'd ever had in our home. It was beautiful. I slowly walked into the ambiance Seth had created in our living room, where he stood. Not only did he start a fire but he hung fresh mistletoe in the doorway. All of a sudden I felt far removed from the hustle and bustle of the year and the busy schedule of my day. Just as charming as one could imagine it...it was. As I approached Seth to hug him and tell him Merry Christmas I could feel myself relax and let go of everything I needed to release. The turmoil of the year was leaving me and I was not going to stop it. I was happy, with the man I loved, in our perfect home, enjoying the calm before the storm of the day. As he held me in his arms by the fire he pointed out the mistletoe, asking if I noticed. I replied as I walked toward it. As I reached the spot where it quaintly hung I turned around to face Seth, anticipating a kiss in true fashion of mistletoe. Instead I found him on one knee, kneeling in front of me.

It’s at this point I find the story difficult to tell. There are no perfect words for the way I felt at that moment. There is no way I could perfectly recite the words that followed. What I can tell you is that there were tears, hugs, kisses, and (of course) a "yes" all in the beautiful ambiance that he had created in our home on that perfect Christmas morning. A most perfect start to the day in which I washed away the troubles of the year and vowed to myself that this would be the fresh start we needed as the brightness of assurance and optimism flickered from our fireplace.